Anger.
I’ve always had a hard time controlling my anger. When I got really mad, it was so strong that I had to leave the room and find a quiet place where I wouldn’t hurt anyone.
I hated how tough it was to handle my anger. Trying to explain why I was angry to the person who made me mad was almost impossible. I would have tears of rage, couldn’t speak, and felt like I wanted to hit something, even though deep down, I didn’t want to hurt anyone.
Feeling angry made me even more angry and unhappy, like a never-ending loop. I didn’t know what to do until I learned about Emotional Intelligence.
If you also wish you could understand and control your emotions better, keep reading. This will be worth it, I promise.
What exactly is Emotional Intelligence?
“The emotionally intelligent person is skilled in four areas: identifying emotions, using emotions, understanding emotions, and regulating emotions.” — John Mayer
Simply put, it’s the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as recognize and influence the emotions of others. Think of it as having a radar for feelings—yours and everyone else’s. It’s not about being overly emotional; it’s about being smart with your emotions.
Here’s an example:
Imagine you’re playing a horror video game, and suddenly, something scary happens, like a big monster jumps out. Your first reaction might be to push all the buttons wildly, but that doesn’t usually help, right? Instead, it’s better to pause the game for a moment, think about the best move, and then take action. Emotional intelligence works kind of like that pause button in real life.
When something happens that makes you feel strong emotions, like getting really mad because someone hit your car, emotional intelligence helps you take a moment to pause before reacting. Instead of immediately yelling or hitting, you can stop and think about the best way to handle the situation.
With emotional intelligence, you can:
- Recognize your feelings: First, you notice what you’re feeling. “I’m really mad right now.”
- Understand why: Then, you think about why you feel this way. “I’m mad because this guy hit my car.”
- Consider your options: Next, you think about different ways to react. “I could yell at him, or I could calmly ask for a compensation.”
- Choose the best reaction: Finally, you pick the reaction that will work best. “I’ll ask for compensation calmly.”
By pausing and thinking through these steps, you can choose a reaction that solves the problem without causing more trouble. This way, you handle your emotions better and get along with others more easily.
Why I Started Developing My Emotional Intelligence
In my case I began working on my emotional intelligence because I wanted to understand and manage my own feelings better. But it has a lot of other benefits!
Here are some of them:
- Better Relationships: When you understand your own emotions and can also understand how others are feeling, you get along better with people. It’s like having a secret decoder ring for understanding why people act the way they do. This helps you communicate better, solve problems together, and make friends more easily.
- Less Stress: Have you ever felt like your emotions are all over the place, like a roller coaster? Well, emotional intelligence helps you manage those ups and downs. Instead of feeling overwhelmed by stress or anxiety, you can handle tough situations calmly and with a clear head.
- More Success: Whether it’s at school, work, or in your hobbies, emotional intelligence can help you succeed. When you’re good at understanding your own feelings, you can make smart decisions and stay focused on your goals. Plus, bosses love it when you can work well with others and handle challenges without freaking out.
- Happier Life: Ultimately, emotional intelligence leads to a happier life. When you can navigate your emotions with ease, you’re more likely to feel content and satisfied. You’ll have better relationships, less stress, and more success, which all add up to a big smile on your face!
So, developing emotional intelligence is like unlocking your own personal superpowers for a happier, healthier, and more awesome life! It’s amazing!
2 Things To Know About Emotions
1. Don’t Kill The Messenger
Emotions are like little messengers that bring us important messages about ourselves. They exist solely to tell us something important, kind of like a secret code. Our subconscious mind can’t talk to us directly, so it uses emotions to send us messages. Instead of hating emotions, we should welcome them because they’re here to help us! So, the next time you feel an emotion, try to understand what it’s trying to tell you.
2. The Main Emotions and What They’re Saying to You
Here’s a basic idea of what each emotion is trying to tell you:
- Happiness: “Yay! Keep doing what you’re doing because it’s making me feel good!”
- Sadness: “Something isn’t quite right. I need some comfort or support.”
- Anger: “I don’t like what’s happening! I need to stand up for myself or fix the situation.”
- Fear: “Be careful! Something might be dangerous, so stay alert.”
- Surprise: “Wow, that was unexpected! Pay attention, something new is happening.”
- Disgust: “Eww, that’s gross! Stay away from that thing or situation.”
Sometimes, it’s easy to understand what our feelings are telling us. But when we’re feeling a lot of emotions all at once, it can be confusing. That is when remembering what each emotion means can help us know how to respond in a situation.
How To Start Developing Emotional Intelligence
Developing emotional intelligence is like learning how to build a strong house. You start with the basics and add more layers as you go along. It’s a process that takes time, but it’s worth it! Here are some beginner steps to get started:
1. Recognize Your Emotions:
The first step is to pay attention to how you’re feeling. When you feel happy, sad, angry, or any other emotion, try to notice it and give it a name. For example, “I’m feeling happy because I played with my friends.”
Here’s a helpful tool called the “Emotion Sensation Wheel” by @lindsaybraman that can make recognizing your emotions easier:
- The small and first circle shows the main emotions.
- The second circle shows the more complex emotions that come from a main emotion.
- The third circle shows the physical sensations that results from a complex emotion.
2. Understand Your Triggers:
Think about what makes you feel certain emotions. Is it when someone says something mean? Or when you’re running late? Understanding what sets off your emotions can help you manage them better.
Here’s a simple trick to spot them:
- When you notice an emotion starting to bubble up inside you, think back to the events that occurred just before. This can help you pinpoint the trigger.
- With time, you’ll become more aware of your triggers, enabling you to identify them faster and better understand your emotional responses.
3. Practice Mindfulness:
Mindfulness is about paying attention to what’s happening right now without judging it. You can do this by focusing on your breathing, listening to the sounds around you, or just noticing how your body feels. It’s like giving your brain a little break and helps you stay calm, even when things get crazy.
- A good way to start is by trying mindfulness meditation for 5-10 minutes each day. You can find guided meditations on YouTube. This practice reduces stress and helps you think more clearly about your emotions.
- Mindfulness also helps you feel centered and relaxed, which is super helpful when life gets busy and overwhelming.
4. Understand How Others Feel:
Emotional intelligence isn’t just about knowing your own feelings; it’s also about understanding how other people feel. You can do this by imagining what it’s like to be in their shoes and thinking about what they might be feeling.
A great way to do this is by asking them directly about their feelings, just like you would do with yourself:
- What happened?
- How do you feel? (You can help them figure out the emotion by using the emotions wheel)
- What would you like to do about it?
By helping others understand themselves, you also get better at understanding yourself, and you’ll build stronger relationships too. It’s like a double win!
5. Express Yourself Calmly:
It’s important to learn how to share your feelings in a healthy way. Instead of keeping them inside or getting really angry, try to calmly talk about how you feel and why. This can stop arguments and fights from happening.
Here’s a simple trick: Instead of saying “You did this!” (which can sound angry), try saying “I feel like this when this happened, and I felt like this because I need this.” It’s a way to talk about your feelings without blaming anyone. It might feel a bit strange at first, but it helps solve problems without making things worse.
For example:
- Event: “When this happened…”
- Emotion: “…I felt this way…”
- Needs: “…because I need this…”
- Proposal (optional): “…and I’d like this to happen so I can get what I need.”
6. Seek Feedback:
Ask friends, family members, or teachers for feedback on how you handle emotions. They might have valuable insights or suggestions for areas where you can improve.
Remember, developing emotional intelligence takes time and practice, so be patient with yourself. Start with these beginner steps, and over time, you’ll build a strong foundation for understanding and managing your emotions.
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— Lucas Mouniama (@Lucas_Mouniama_) June 8, 2024
Thank you for reading me, it means a lot.
See you guys next week!
- Lucas
